Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot about home. Not only my personal home, but what it means to call a place a home. Earlier this Summer I signed up for a leadership opportunity at school. It started two weeks before the term started. Prior to coming to school, I had just finished an extremely draining week of performing at home. At 10:30 at night the Sunday show ended in San Jose and I headed up to the East Bay, gearing up to start training at 6am Monday. That morning, I woke up realizing that it was still Summer, the campus was empty, and the atmosphere was uncomfortable. I freaked out. As much as I wanted to be a part of the experience, I had this sinking feeling of "I'm not supposed to be here right now." I needed to go home.

At Saint Mary's College, we always call our school a home. Despite that, I've never really felt like it was my home until the first week back this Fall: the week before leaving to Kenya. Leading up to this point, I had been extremely anxious about going to Kenya. I realized that it was an amazing opportunity, but every time that someone would come up to me and say "Aren't you excited??," I just got more anxious. Mentally, I knew that I should have been excited, but emotionally, that wasn't happening.

During the first week back at school, my roommates and friends were happy to see me. They are new friends, but they welcomed me into their friend circle, and included me in everything they did. I realized that I am so blessed to be around such caring and generous people.

The night that I had to leave for Kenya, my wonderful friend Frankie helped me carry my luggage, and walked me to the meeting spot. As she left, reality hit me. I felt as if I was floating, a body in motion, somewhere in the middle between where I am and where I am going. I felt that a piece of home had just walked away from me, the last piece that I had left before leaving. I felt as if I was in mid-skydive. It was exciting and terrifying at the same time.

At that moment, I realized that I don't feel like going somewhere unless I'm going to miss what I leave behind. Without that there is no challenge, no purpose, and no reason to come back.

Maybe that's why I was feeling weird about going to Kenya. Because up until this point, I don't think I've been able to call Saint Mary's home. But now I know that the friendships I have there are family. And home is not just a place, but wherever your family is.